So, in yet another lovely way that TTC has stolen my sanity, I have been noticing EVERYTHING baby lately. How is it that, just four months ago, the smell of baby powder in the Target aisle didn't even register on my radar? Today, that sweet aroma sent me into a tailspin, complete with tears. Yep, I notice it all. The lady with the stroller carrying an adorable, drooling baby. The maternity section at Old Navy (never even knew they had a maternity section). That stupid fucking "the most important thing you will ever pee on" commercial. Yep, future mama-to-be said the "F Word"...
So, all you "overconceivers" like myself, read closely. I am confessing my sins. Yep, I am on the 12-step Baby-Aholic Program. Please join me in this journey, as I follow through the 12 steps to hopefully come out on the other side, free from the addiction, and hopefully with a bundle of joy in my arms. Read the 12 steps closely - they may very well save your sanity. Each day I will attempt to overcome one step at a time, until I find myself FREE FROM THE TTC CRAZIES!
Step One: Throw out anything that you can pee on or in. This includes ovulation predictor sticks, fertility monitor sticks, digital tests, pink dye tests, blue dye tests, plastic cups, coffee mugs, bedpans...whatever.
Step Two: Erase all wish lists on Babies R' Us.com (yeah, try to act like you don't have one)! By the time my future baby is born, all those prints and fabrics will be discontinued anyway.
Step Three: Purge bookshelves of useless, scary, contradictory TTC manuals. Am I supposed to have sex everyday, every three days, five times per day...I don't know because every book says something different! Should we do it doggie-style (or the "from behind" position as these books so politely call it), against the wall, in the bathtub, scissors position (seriously, what is that?)...
Step Four: Turn off TLC channel from 1pm-5pm every day. No more "Baby Story", "Adoption Story", "Bringing Home Baby", "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant", or "Completely Fucked Up Family that Needs to Go Away Before They Mentally Destroy Their Children" (aka Jon & Kate Plus 8).
Step Five: Stop looking at belly to determine what it will look like when it's pregnant. Do not stuff pillows, blankets, other shirts, socks, or beach balls into shirt to see pregnant belly.
Step Six: Do not buy anymore items, just so you have them when baby does come. That cute little baby whale onsie...put it down! The "cutest, sweetest little maternity top ever that will never be there when I finally do get pregnant, so I will just go ahead and buy it now..." - DON'T. It will sit in your closet and depress you everyday. Which leads to step seven...
Step Seven: Give away all previously bought maternity and baby items that are accumulating in your closet. Because God knows, as soon as you decided to TTC, seven of your friends, three of your sisters, two of your aunts, your boss, and your damn dog will get pregnant and expect shower gifts.
Step Eight: Refrain from the "24 Times Daily Period Checks". On cycle day 28, do not enter the bathroom every hour to "just check" to make sure Aunt Flo hasn't shown.
Step Nine: Have relations with husband at least 3 times per month during your infertile time. OMG, did I just say that???
Step Ten: Stop describing cervical mucus and position to your husband, mother, sister, coworker.... Yeah, seriously...nobody wants to hear it. Especially your husband. He actually has to put his favorite body organ in that thing...Come on now. And PLEASE do not post cervical mucus on discussion boards for others to see. You never know who might just "drop by" on the site one day...
Step Eleven: STOP analyzing every twinge, cramp, leak, fart, projectile vomit, and nipple bump as a pregnancy sign. Yes, there are some signs of early pregnancy. But almost every single one is also a sign of PMS. Please thank our lovely TTC books, as mentioned above, and the lovely website "countdowntopregnancy.com" for this overanalysis.
Step Twelve: Get knocked up with bouncing baby boy or girl. If none of the above steps work, at least this one will relieve you of the TTC insanity. And will send you to the new diagnosis of "OMG, I Just Know I Am Going to Have a Miscarriage"-type schizophrenia.
So, all you "overconceivers" like myself, read closely. I am confessing my sins. Yep, I am on the 12-step Baby-Aholic Program. Please join me in this journey, as I follow through the 12 steps to hopefully come out on the other side, free from the addiction, and hopefully with a bundle of joy in my arms. Read the 12 steps closely - they may very well save your sanity. Each day I will attempt to overcome one step at a time, until I find myself FREE FROM THE TTC CRAZIES!
Step One: Throw out anything that you can pee on or in. This includes ovulation predictor sticks, fertility monitor sticks, digital tests, pink dye tests, blue dye tests, plastic cups, coffee mugs, bedpans...whatever.
Step Two: Erase all wish lists on Babies R' Us.com (yeah, try to act like you don't have one)! By the time my future baby is born, all those prints and fabrics will be discontinued anyway.
Step Three: Purge bookshelves of useless, scary, contradictory TTC manuals. Am I supposed to have sex everyday, every three days, five times per day...I don't know because every book says something different! Should we do it doggie-style (or the "from behind" position as these books so politely call it), against the wall, in the bathtub, scissors position (seriously, what is that?)...
Step Four: Turn off TLC channel from 1pm-5pm every day. No more "Baby Story", "Adoption Story", "Bringing Home Baby", "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant", or "Completely Fucked Up Family that Needs to Go Away Before They Mentally Destroy Their Children" (aka Jon & Kate Plus 8).
Step Five: Stop looking at belly to determine what it will look like when it's pregnant. Do not stuff pillows, blankets, other shirts, socks, or beach balls into shirt to see pregnant belly.
Step Six: Do not buy anymore items, just so you have them when baby does come. That cute little baby whale onsie...put it down! The "cutest, sweetest little maternity top ever that will never be there when I finally do get pregnant, so I will just go ahead and buy it now..." - DON'T. It will sit in your closet and depress you everyday. Which leads to step seven...
Step Seven: Give away all previously bought maternity and baby items that are accumulating in your closet. Because God knows, as soon as you decided to TTC, seven of your friends, three of your sisters, two of your aunts, your boss, and your damn dog will get pregnant and expect shower gifts.
Step Eight: Refrain from the "24 Times Daily Period Checks". On cycle day 28, do not enter the bathroom every hour to "just check" to make sure Aunt Flo hasn't shown.
Step Nine: Have relations with husband at least 3 times per month during your infertile time. OMG, did I just say that???
Step Ten: Stop describing cervical mucus and position to your husband, mother, sister, coworker.... Yeah, seriously...nobody wants to hear it. Especially your husband. He actually has to put his favorite body organ in that thing...Come on now. And PLEASE do not post cervical mucus on discussion boards for others to see. You never know who might just "drop by" on the site one day...
Step Eleven: STOP analyzing every twinge, cramp, leak, fart, projectile vomit, and nipple bump as a pregnancy sign. Yes, there are some signs of early pregnancy. But almost every single one is also a sign of PMS. Please thank our lovely TTC books, as mentioned above, and the lovely website "countdowntopregnancy.com" for this overanalysis.
Step Twelve: Get knocked up with bouncing baby boy or girl. If none of the above steps work, at least this one will relieve you of the TTC insanity. And will send you to the new diagnosis of "OMG, I Just Know I Am Going to Have a Miscarriage"-type schizophrenia.
This is hysterical and so true! I'm glad that there are some of those steps that I am already not doing. But I'm SERIOUSLY going to consider this 12 step program with you!
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