Get the Fuck Outta My House, Crazy TLC Mommies!

So, step 4 hasn't been too hard for me! I have been VERY good at keeping TLC, and all other shows about babies, off of my television. How have I done it? I have swapped one nasty addiction for another. Kinda like when overeaters get gastric bypass and then become alcoholics (yep, there's a whole theory on that kinda thing). So anyway, I have been watching 3 different shows - Law & Order, CSI, and Criminal Minds. And I am almost about to scrap the idea of bringing children into this world all together! Geesh, I'll probably breed some sort of psychopathic serial killer. OK, yeah...this cannot be healthy. But it's better than watching "Half-Ton Teen Pregnant with Twins and Never Knew She Was Pregnant...." So, I feel very positive about achieving this step. I am also doing quite well on my others as well. Still no pee sticks in the house. Baby wish list remains in Internet Heaven. And I haven't picked up any TTC books (even TCOYF)!!!! Yippeee!

And guess what??? I am feeling really good! TTC is still on my mind, but not 24/7. More like maybe 20/6....hey, I'll take it!

I am still stuck in Fertile Myrtle Purgatory though. Although guess I can't really call it "Fertile Myrtle", or I'd already be fucking pregnant, right??? Anyway, I swore I wasn't gonna check my cervical mucus this month, but Hell, there it is....right there....can't really get away from it. So we have been doing our Baby Dancing Duties. Please see previous post for scenarios - all have played out so far this week. And, even though I swore I wouldn't, I spent 30 minutes flat on my back with butt propped on pillows....so sue me! We can't all be perfect.

Falling Off the Wagon...

So, I know that I should be working on step #4 - stop watching all things baby. But I am just NOT in the mood today. I am tired, I am cranky, and I am STRESSED. Ahhh, the life of an overconceiver. I spent the day dealing with pregnant women being EVERYWHERE! I swear, they are crawling out of the woodwork. And I don't hold it against them. Everyone has the right to procreate (unfortunately). But do they have to be around me??? God love 'em. It's not their fault that I become a tri-horned green-eyed monster around them. Notice the bit of bipolar thought in there...

I am heading into the Fertile Zone....aka the four days prior to and including the Big O. At least, I am pretty sure I am, since I have banned pee sticks. Anyway, let me explain to you how life in the Fertile Zone usually works.

Scenario #1: Wake up at 5am, dead exhausted, beg husband for nookie. Denied. Stomp into shower, then pout. Work. Come home. Attempt to put on something halfway sexy. Ask husband again for nookie. Usually denied. Then loving husband comes back to bed at 10pm when I am ASLEEP mind you, and attempts nookie. Denied. Cut my losses for the day.

Scenario #2: Wake up at 5am, dead exhausted, beg husband for nookie. Score! Late to work. Spend day unable to determine cervical mucus because of blob of semen that refuses to come out with kegals (yet another DAMN LIE in the TTC literary world...kegals do NOT expel your husband's load). Stress because unsure if fertile.

Scenario #3: Morning rendevous denied. Lacy bra and ruffly panties work. Evening babymaking is a GO. Spend 30 minutes watching "Family Guy" with legs in the air and pillow under butt. Wake up in the morning to begin the cycle all over again.

DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND REMOTELY SEXY???? I don't think so. Some days I wish that a dirty movie and a turkey baster was socially acceptable (or hygenically safe for that matter). Somehow I think that last year's turkey broth might cause some sort of raging vaginitis. Come on girls, don't try to deny you don't think the same things.

So, I will spend my evening conjuring up ways to get a "deposit". And this is how the next five days will be spent. And, don't believe the hype. Men are not ALWAYS ready to go at the drop of a hat.

Step Three - The Great Literary Purge

OK, this one is SO much harder than you might think! I gave myself a few days from my 12-step program to enjoy the Independence Day festivities and relax. My husband and I spent two days on the sailboat. And come to think of it, I didn't think about TTC much at all! Well, except that one time when the boat was a-rockin' and I was thinking "hmmmm, maybe I am ovulating on cycle day 8..." OK, I know...much more than you needed to know. Ha. So, I remain free of all pee sticks and baby things wish lists. So a great step in the right direction. I almost relapsed and bought some ovulation predictor sticks, but I stuck it out! The withdrawal is subsiding a bit...I no longer think of peeing on a stick first thing in the morning. And the craving has all but disappeared in the afternoon. I just keep myself busy with other, more mundane things such as laundry and cooking for loving husband. But nothing beats the rush of that test line turning darker than the control line...I am doing pretty good right now actually. I am on cycle day 8, and just waiting to ovulate! Ooooh, I made a cheer. Chant with me girls!!!



"CYCLE DAY 8 - ALMOST TIME TO OVULATE..."



So, onto step three today. Ridding bookshelves of all TTC books. Wow, this one is MUCH harder than I thought it would be. I haven't quite gotten there yet guys! I have to be honest. They are all still on my shelves. I mean, what if I need them when something funky happens in my cycle??? I need help here, as I am officially failing step three! I am cool with getting rid of all of them except my Bible. The famous "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". Maybe I can break this one down into smaller steps. I think my first step will be to keep them on the shelf (kinda like a security blanket), but NOT read them. Then maybe move two or three into a box a day. I like that idea...



I think one problem with these books is that they all contradict each other. It doesn't make any damn sense!!!! Have sex with partner every other day for 14 days. Have sex with partner three times per day for 3 days. Have sex with partner everyday for 6 days in the missionary position and insert cervical cup onto cervix for 30 minutes...and make sure legs remain at 90 degree angle to rest of body for one hour and then perform headstand against the wall for another 30 minutes and, oh, DON'T TAKE MOTRIN for that headache you're gonna have afterward...GEESH! Oh, and there's the famous luteal phase defect and what constitutes one - 9 days, 10 days, 4 days....oh, and per OB/GYN, 9 days is a sufficient luteal phase....WTF???!!! I mean, I know these authors mean well, but come on! Oh, and you gotta love the hippie, tree-hugger authors of one specific book (which shall remain nameless), who urge you to drink vegetable milkshakes and down about 876 vitamin supplements everyday...I mean, WHO THE HELL CAN DRINK A VEGETABLE MILKSHAKE WHEN THEY HAVE THE "VITAMIN VOMITS"??? Another term I coined for that lovely post-vitamin nauseated feeling that I get no matter what formula I try. I think I just reminded myself the reasons for step 3!!!



OK, so I will rid shelves right now of all books, except my Bible. I'll keep that for emergencies...you know, when I am up at 3am and desperately need to know, in full color, what consititutes the difference between creamy cervical mucus and the milky type.

Step Two - Rid Self of Baby Things Wish List

Okay, so could you just EAT the little crocheted booties in that picture??? Baby things are designed to make the maternal instincts just swoon. And swoon I do...right into Babies R' Us on occassion. Or BabiesR'Us.com when I want to be a bit more anonymous. I love looking at it all. It's an assault on the maternal senses. The sickeningly cute floral prints of the Pack & Play that I will soon have in my living room. The feel of a plush baby afghan against my cheek. The smell of powder permeating the aisles. The squeal of an infant in the toy aisle, grabbing anything and everything. It is almost cruel and unusual punishment for the Mommy Wannabe. So when I decided my trips to the local Baby Bazaar were too much to bear, I stuck to the internet store. And there I learned I could create a wish list...and keep it private. Ooooooh - sounds so fun!!!! I rationalized it to myself that I could see just how much all of this was going to cost. Nothing wrong with planning for the future, right? So I started pointing and clicking, adding everything I thought I needed into that little cart.

I picked furniture. The cutest baby bedding EVER. Strollers. Sheets. Swings. Slings. Toys. Tubs. Towels. Rattles. Movers. Shakers. Spout Covers. Diapers. Diaper Caddies. Diaper Covers. Diaper Genies (must have the top of the line model). Onsies. Receiving blankets. Play Yards. Play Mats. Play Tables. Monitors. Bibs. Burpcloths. Boppie pillows. Boppie pillow covers. Boppie bouncers. Boppie changing pads. Boppie changing pad covers. Man, those Boppie people could get convicted for running a monopoly for God's sake. And over $3,000 later, I was done...and terrified. Where the hell were we gonna come up with $3,000 for basic baby needs?? So this little exercise let my maternal hormones peak, only to dip with the strength of a ten ton wrecking ball. True, we have a lovely savings account. Which I was counting on to supplement the ridiculous costs of day care in the Mid-Atlantic area. True, I had chosen the top-of-the-line products in every category. I guess a $600 snow-white chenille glider with matching "nursing stool" (baby speak for ottoman) isn't totally necessary. Or practical for that matter...And look at that sweet little outfit in the picture - absolutely pristine - until Baby has explosive diarrhea all over it.

So, step two was a little easier to overcome. I went onto Babies R' Us.com and erased my wish list. And I feel as if my soul has been purged. I will not become a victim of baby-thing buying mania. I will not re-enter the domain of baby-thing buying until I am at least 12 weeks along with my little bean. And the only thing I will enter Babies R' Us for is to buy things for Pippie (what I have nicknamed my future niece or nephew - my sister is 8 weeks along).

Tackling Step One - Will Now Pee Only in Toilet

So, step one involves getting rid of anything that I can pee in or on. And that should be easy....right? Well, for a dedicated POAS Addict (again, another wannababyese word, standing for Pee On A Stick), not so easy. I mean, it's almost like yanking the needle out of a heroin addict's arm...OK, I can exaggerate a little, right? But seriously, TTC women are trained to pee on sticks. And there are so many sticks available to tinkle on. My personal addiction is twofold - Answer Ovulation Predictor Sticks (OPK's) and First Response Early Response home pregnancy tests (HPT's). Luckily, I have not yet progressed to the ClearBlueEasy Fertility Monitor...it hurts me to think about shelling out $270 for the monitor and $50/month for the sticks. So I guess I do have my limits...I have only about a $5/day habit. But still, I guess that qualifies me for rehab.

So, follow my lead. Head to bathroom...open cabinet...grab every box of pee sticks...kiss them good-bye. Are you doing ok?? Okay, now for the hard part. Put them into the trash can....empty trash can into thick, heavy duty trash bag....now throw into big garbage can where all of last week's rotting food is found. And if you even THINK about digging them out of there, just imagine the raging urinary tract infection that could ensue.

Now, I will list all benefits from completing step one.

1. Depending on the cost of your habit, you will be saving money. For me? I am saving about $50.00 per month (man, that sounds hefty now that I am confessing it...what a weight lifted off my shoulders).

2. You will no longer have pee all over your hands.

3. You will be shaving 10 minutes off of your morning (or lunchtime or afternoon or evening or midnight...) routine.

4. Your husband will no longer walk into the bathroom and say "What the hell is this???" (the first time) or "Not AGAIN!!!" (subsequent encounters).

5. You can't see a big fat negative if you don't pee to begin with.

6. You can avoid those awkward "what the Hell was she doing in there???" stares when you come out of the bathroom at work after your lunchtime OPK check.

So, I know that not all "overconceivers" will be able to avoid POAS. For all you ladies undergoing treatments, I know that the OPK is often required for your treatment. So, please, follow doctor's orders, and you may skip some of step one. But please, all of us, let's stop feeding the beast. Get rid of those HPT's. Test ONLY when you are at least 12dpo, or better, when you are late for your period. And READ THE BACK OF THE BOX. Only 60% of women get a BFP at 10dpo, 83% at 11dpo, 86% at 12dpo, and 93% on the day of the missed period. You could be that 7%!

**A final note about testing. If you saw my slideshow, you saw the photo of my lovely false +. Yeah, those don't happen, right??? Bullshit. Do not buy Target brand tests - or any test that has blue dye instead of pink. I got THREE false positives. Talk about cruel!

"Confessions of a Baby-aholic"

So, in yet another lovely way that TTC has stolen my sanity, I have been noticing EVERYTHING baby lately. How is it that, just four months ago, the smell of baby powder in the Target aisle didn't even register on my radar? Today, that sweet aroma sent me into a tailspin, complete with tears. Yep, I notice it all. The lady with the stroller carrying an adorable, drooling baby. The maternity section at Old Navy (never even knew they had a maternity section). That stupid fucking "the most important thing you will ever pee on" commercial. Yep, future mama-to-be said the "F Word"...
So, all you "overconceivers" like myself, read closely. I am confessing my sins. Yep, I am on the 12-step Baby-Aholic Program. Please join me in this journey, as I follow through the 12 steps to hopefully come out on the other side, free from the addiction, and hopefully with a bundle of joy in my arms. Read the 12 steps closely - they may very well save your sanity. Each day I will attempt to overcome one step at a time, until I find myself FREE FROM THE TTC CRAZIES!

Step One: Throw out anything that you can pee on or in. This includes ovulation predictor sticks, fertility monitor sticks, digital tests, pink dye tests, blue dye tests, plastic cups, coffee mugs, bedpans...whatever.
Step Two: Erase all wish lists on Babies R' Us.com (yeah, try to act like you don't have one)! By the time my future baby is born, all those prints and fabrics will be discontinued anyway.
Step Three: Purge bookshelves of useless, scary, contradictory TTC manuals. Am I supposed to have sex everyday, every three days, five times per day...I don't know because every book says something different! Should we do it doggie-style (or the "from behind" position as these books so politely call it), against the wall, in the bathtub, scissors position (seriously, what is that?)...
Step Four: Turn off TLC channel from 1pm-5pm every day. No more "Baby Story", "Adoption Story", "Bringing Home Baby", "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant", or "Completely Fucked Up Family that Needs to Go Away Before They Mentally Destroy Their Children" (aka Jon & Kate Plus 8).
Step Five: Stop looking at belly to determine what it will look like when it's pregnant. Do not stuff pillows, blankets, other shirts, socks, or beach balls into shirt to see pregnant belly.
Step Six: Do not buy anymore items, just so you have them when baby does come. That cute little baby whale onsie...put it down! The "cutest, sweetest little maternity top ever that will never be there when I finally do get pregnant, so I will just go ahead and buy it now..." - DON'T. It will sit in your closet and depress you everyday. Which leads to step seven...
Step Seven: Give away all previously bought maternity and baby items that are accumulating in your closet. Because God knows, as soon as you decided to TTC, seven of your friends, three of your sisters, two of your aunts, your boss, and your damn dog will get pregnant and expect shower gifts.
Step Eight: Refrain from the "24 Times Daily Period Checks". On cycle day 28, do not enter the bathroom every hour to "just check" to make sure Aunt Flo hasn't shown.
Step Nine: Have relations with husband at least 3 times per month during your infertile time. OMG, did I just say that???
Step Ten: Stop describing cervical mucus and position to your husband, mother, sister, coworker.... Yeah, seriously...nobody wants to hear it. Especially your husband. He actually has to put his favorite body organ in that thing...Come on now. And PLEASE do not post cervical mucus on discussion boards for others to see. You never know who might just "drop by" on the site one day...
Step Eleven: STOP analyzing every twinge, cramp, leak, fart, projectile vomit, and nipple bump as a pregnancy sign. Yes, there are some signs of early pregnancy. But almost every single one is also a sign of PMS. Please thank our lovely TTC books, as mentioned above, and the lovely website "countdowntopregnancy.com" for this overanalysis.
Step Twelve: Get knocked up with bouncing baby boy or girl. If none of the above steps work, at least this one will relieve you of the TTC insanity. And will send you to the new diagnosis of "OMG, I Just Know I Am Going to Have a Miscarriage"-type schizophrenia.

First Five Tips for Maintaining Sanity

As they come to me, I will write some of the tips I have learned during my TTC journey. Hopefully these will help someone (especially all of us Type A Personalities..." So, here are my first five!

#1 - Stop taking birth control pills three to six months before actively TTC.

I did not do this. So, basically, the first six cycles have probably been wasted stress! Suck it up and use condoms during this period. I did not do this either. This will give your body some time to regulate.

#2 - Don't kick yourself for falling back into unhealthy habits.

When I decided to TTC, I did ALL the right things. No alcohol, no tobacco, no refined foods, no high-mercury fish, no sushi, no raw meat, no caffeine....blah blah blah. Eventually, you will get tired of changing your habits because you have nothing to change them for. It's a lot different if there's a little bean growing in your belly. You WILL cheat, you WILL lose your willpower, and then you WILL feel guilty. Don't.

#3 - Don't lose the romance.

This is VERY easy to do. I know, all of us start this journey saying that it will "never happen to us - we'll never fight about it". Well, you know what??? You will. When it is cycle day 14 and the ovulation predictor kit proves it's time to go - well, it's time to go! And you will move hell and high water to get your significant other to have sex with you. And all that stuff about men always being in the mood - bullshit. It gets old. For both of you. So, try to spice it up and have sex when it's NOT babymaking time.

#4 - Don't bargain with husband to convince him to have sex with you.

Guilty! It is not healthy to say "I will make you the bacon and eggs you asked for IF you have sex with me - right now - missionary - and, oh, by the way - don't get up too fast afterward." This will NOT go over well!

#5 - Do not EVER have home pregnancy tests (HPT's) in your house at ANY time.

You will pee on them. Even if it's only 5 days after ovulation. Even if it's the day you're ovulating. Even if it's when your period is here. I know this because I have done it. "Oh, I'll just check, because this (heavy, pad-per-hour, I'm-bleeding-like-a-stuck-pig) period might just be implantation spotting..." Trust me, it's not. And you have wasted approximately $12.00 on that digital test that you KNEW was going to say "Not Pregnant".

TTC Has Stolen My Sanity!

I saw the saying for this title as I was clicking around Parents.com this morning during the first of my many daily visits. How true is this!!! Today is the first of July, signifying my husband and I's fifth month of trying to conceive. As I type that, it seems so crazy to me that after only five months, my sanity has been completely taken away.

I think this feeling of desperation has a lot of do with how my husband and I decided to start TTC (trying to conceive to us who are fluent in "wannababynowese"...). I am 28 years old and a nurse manager for a very busy chemotherapy center. My husband is 31 and owns his own contracting company. There we are in the picutre... For many years, we were extremely content with how things were going. My life (and his) proceeded exactly as planned. College graduate at 23, married at 25, promoted to higher position of authority at 26, and homeowner at 27. Man, it couldn't have been going any better.

Then, SMACK...the desire for baby hit us both square between the eyes. Sure, there were signs it was coming. Drooling over the baby section at Target every now and then. My husband making the comment that last year's Outer Banks vacation would be "our last without children". Same husband introducing our Great Dane, Gracie, to my new baby cousin last Christmas, saying "you better get used to this". But suddenly, in late winter, we decided to start "Operation: Baby!"

I was SO excited!!! I think that I had been secretly ready for children a few years ago, but was waiting for finances, and terrified husband, to come around to my side. And I guess it did. Because on February 27th, 2009, I threw away that pack of Ortho Cyclen and started to prepare my body for baby. I ignored all of those warnings to stop taking birth control six months before you start TTC. Why would we do that??? What a waste of precious time (see, because I still believe I am working against the clock here at 28 - one of my many neuroses...). So, I went to Barnes and Noble and snatched up EVERY book you can buy on TTC. "What to Expect When You Are Expecting", "What to Expect BEFORE You are Expecting", "Getting Pregnant", "Having a Baby", "Before Your Pregnancy", and the fertility Bible "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" (TCOYF for short). I sat down and in six hours, had read the entire length of "TCOYF", with all pertinent parts neatly highlighted and dog-eared. I was READY!!!! Again, ignored the fact that almost 100% of these books recommends having a few months off the pill before you start "trying". Pooey....

So, I spent the $40 to buy the TCOYF charting program for my computer and started doing my daily duty. Checking my temperature at 5:30 everyone morning, even on weekends, checking my cervical mucus, checking my cervical position, peeing on stick after expensive stick, baby-dancing when appropriate...I was a dedicated TTC nut, and I was headed for success!!! So imagine my surprise when cycle #2 confirmed a problem. I had a luteal phase defect. I couldn't believe it! Of course, every book warns that the first few cycles of charting can reveal this problem in the first few months after discontinuing the pill. I kept charting. I had a completely anovulatory cycle for cycle #3, and cycle #4 had an even SHORTER luteal phase. So, at this point, I followed advice in my books and started 100mg of vitamin B6 everyday.

My last cycle was cycle #5. I had a 24 day cycle with a luteal phase of 10 days, which is the low end of normal. I spent every day in the 2WW (two-week-wait from ovulation to next period) analyzing every little symptoms. I SWORE I was pregnant. I took tests at 9dpo, then 10dpo, then 11dpo....all BFN's (Big Fat Negatives!). Then, in the evening at 11dpo, there was Aunt Flo, in all her glory. This time I was highly distressed. This is because my 25-year-old sister called me to tell me that.....yep, you guessed it.......she's pregnant. And 4 girls at work are pregnant. And my husband's best friend's girlfried is pregnant....I AM SURROUNDED BY BABY BUMPS. And in the very near future, I will be surrounded with little Bundles of Joy, leaving me in their dust with my own Bundle of Stress!!!

I haven't had nearly as difficult as a course as many of the women I talk to on Parents.com and in my own life. But, it helps me to get things written down. Hence this blog. So this is my background. PLEASE, feel free to leave me messages or let us know your own experiences. I am headed into Cycle #6 of my TTC journey....I am going to be brutally honest in my blogs, in hopes that my story makes others feel that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!