Get the Fuck Outta My House, Crazy TLC Mommies!

So, step 4 hasn't been too hard for me! I have been VERY good at keeping TLC, and all other shows about babies, off of my television. How have I done it? I have swapped one nasty addiction for another. Kinda like when overeaters get gastric bypass and then become alcoholics (yep, there's a whole theory on that kinda thing). So anyway, I have been watching 3 different shows - Law & Order, CSI, and Criminal Minds. And I am almost about to scrap the idea of bringing children into this world all together! Geesh, I'll probably breed some sort of psychopathic serial killer. OK, yeah...this cannot be healthy. But it's better than watching "Half-Ton Teen Pregnant with Twins and Never Knew She Was Pregnant...." So, I feel very positive about achieving this step. I am also doing quite well on my others as well. Still no pee sticks in the house. Baby wish list remains in Internet Heaven. And I haven't picked up any TTC books (even TCOYF)!!!! Yippeee!

And guess what??? I am feeling really good! TTC is still on my mind, but not 24/7. More like maybe 20/6....hey, I'll take it!

I am still stuck in Fertile Myrtle Purgatory though. Although guess I can't really call it "Fertile Myrtle", or I'd already be fucking pregnant, right??? Anyway, I swore I wasn't gonna check my cervical mucus this month, but Hell, there it is....right there....can't really get away from it. So we have been doing our Baby Dancing Duties. Please see previous post for scenarios - all have played out so far this week. And, even though I swore I wouldn't, I spent 30 minutes flat on my back with butt propped on pillows....so sue me! We can't all be perfect.

Falling Off the Wagon...

So, I know that I should be working on step #4 - stop watching all things baby. But I am just NOT in the mood today. I am tired, I am cranky, and I am STRESSED. Ahhh, the life of an overconceiver. I spent the day dealing with pregnant women being EVERYWHERE! I swear, they are crawling out of the woodwork. And I don't hold it against them. Everyone has the right to procreate (unfortunately). But do they have to be around me??? God love 'em. It's not their fault that I become a tri-horned green-eyed monster around them. Notice the bit of bipolar thought in there...

I am heading into the Fertile Zone....aka the four days prior to and including the Big O. At least, I am pretty sure I am, since I have banned pee sticks. Anyway, let me explain to you how life in the Fertile Zone usually works.

Scenario #1: Wake up at 5am, dead exhausted, beg husband for nookie. Denied. Stomp into shower, then pout. Work. Come home. Attempt to put on something halfway sexy. Ask husband again for nookie. Usually denied. Then loving husband comes back to bed at 10pm when I am ASLEEP mind you, and attempts nookie. Denied. Cut my losses for the day.

Scenario #2: Wake up at 5am, dead exhausted, beg husband for nookie. Score! Late to work. Spend day unable to determine cervical mucus because of blob of semen that refuses to come out with kegals (yet another DAMN LIE in the TTC literary world...kegals do NOT expel your husband's load). Stress because unsure if fertile.

Scenario #3: Morning rendevous denied. Lacy bra and ruffly panties work. Evening babymaking is a GO. Spend 30 minutes watching "Family Guy" with legs in the air and pillow under butt. Wake up in the morning to begin the cycle all over again.

DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND REMOTELY SEXY???? I don't think so. Some days I wish that a dirty movie and a turkey baster was socially acceptable (or hygenically safe for that matter). Somehow I think that last year's turkey broth might cause some sort of raging vaginitis. Come on girls, don't try to deny you don't think the same things.

So, I will spend my evening conjuring up ways to get a "deposit". And this is how the next five days will be spent. And, don't believe the hype. Men are not ALWAYS ready to go at the drop of a hat.

Step Three - The Great Literary Purge

OK, this one is SO much harder than you might think! I gave myself a few days from my 12-step program to enjoy the Independence Day festivities and relax. My husband and I spent two days on the sailboat. And come to think of it, I didn't think about TTC much at all! Well, except that one time when the boat was a-rockin' and I was thinking "hmmmm, maybe I am ovulating on cycle day 8..." OK, I know...much more than you needed to know. Ha. So, I remain free of all pee sticks and baby things wish lists. So a great step in the right direction. I almost relapsed and bought some ovulation predictor sticks, but I stuck it out! The withdrawal is subsiding a bit...I no longer think of peeing on a stick first thing in the morning. And the craving has all but disappeared in the afternoon. I just keep myself busy with other, more mundane things such as laundry and cooking for loving husband. But nothing beats the rush of that test line turning darker than the control line...I am doing pretty good right now actually. I am on cycle day 8, and just waiting to ovulate! Ooooh, I made a cheer. Chant with me girls!!!



"CYCLE DAY 8 - ALMOST TIME TO OVULATE..."



So, onto step three today. Ridding bookshelves of all TTC books. Wow, this one is MUCH harder than I thought it would be. I haven't quite gotten there yet guys! I have to be honest. They are all still on my shelves. I mean, what if I need them when something funky happens in my cycle??? I need help here, as I am officially failing step three! I am cool with getting rid of all of them except my Bible. The famous "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". Maybe I can break this one down into smaller steps. I think my first step will be to keep them on the shelf (kinda like a security blanket), but NOT read them. Then maybe move two or three into a box a day. I like that idea...



I think one problem with these books is that they all contradict each other. It doesn't make any damn sense!!!! Have sex with partner every other day for 14 days. Have sex with partner three times per day for 3 days. Have sex with partner everyday for 6 days in the missionary position and insert cervical cup onto cervix for 30 minutes...and make sure legs remain at 90 degree angle to rest of body for one hour and then perform headstand against the wall for another 30 minutes and, oh, DON'T TAKE MOTRIN for that headache you're gonna have afterward...GEESH! Oh, and there's the famous luteal phase defect and what constitutes one - 9 days, 10 days, 4 days....oh, and per OB/GYN, 9 days is a sufficient luteal phase....WTF???!!! I mean, I know these authors mean well, but come on! Oh, and you gotta love the hippie, tree-hugger authors of one specific book (which shall remain nameless), who urge you to drink vegetable milkshakes and down about 876 vitamin supplements everyday...I mean, WHO THE HELL CAN DRINK A VEGETABLE MILKSHAKE WHEN THEY HAVE THE "VITAMIN VOMITS"??? Another term I coined for that lovely post-vitamin nauseated feeling that I get no matter what formula I try. I think I just reminded myself the reasons for step 3!!!



OK, so I will rid shelves right now of all books, except my Bible. I'll keep that for emergencies...you know, when I am up at 3am and desperately need to know, in full color, what consititutes the difference between creamy cervical mucus and the milky type.

Step Two - Rid Self of Baby Things Wish List

Okay, so could you just EAT the little crocheted booties in that picture??? Baby things are designed to make the maternal instincts just swoon. And swoon I do...right into Babies R' Us on occassion. Or BabiesR'Us.com when I want to be a bit more anonymous. I love looking at it all. It's an assault on the maternal senses. The sickeningly cute floral prints of the Pack & Play that I will soon have in my living room. The feel of a plush baby afghan against my cheek. The smell of powder permeating the aisles. The squeal of an infant in the toy aisle, grabbing anything and everything. It is almost cruel and unusual punishment for the Mommy Wannabe. So when I decided my trips to the local Baby Bazaar were too much to bear, I stuck to the internet store. And there I learned I could create a wish list...and keep it private. Ooooooh - sounds so fun!!!! I rationalized it to myself that I could see just how much all of this was going to cost. Nothing wrong with planning for the future, right? So I started pointing and clicking, adding everything I thought I needed into that little cart.

I picked furniture. The cutest baby bedding EVER. Strollers. Sheets. Swings. Slings. Toys. Tubs. Towels. Rattles. Movers. Shakers. Spout Covers. Diapers. Diaper Caddies. Diaper Covers. Diaper Genies (must have the top of the line model). Onsies. Receiving blankets. Play Yards. Play Mats. Play Tables. Monitors. Bibs. Burpcloths. Boppie pillows. Boppie pillow covers. Boppie bouncers. Boppie changing pads. Boppie changing pad covers. Man, those Boppie people could get convicted for running a monopoly for God's sake. And over $3,000 later, I was done...and terrified. Where the hell were we gonna come up with $3,000 for basic baby needs?? So this little exercise let my maternal hormones peak, only to dip with the strength of a ten ton wrecking ball. True, we have a lovely savings account. Which I was counting on to supplement the ridiculous costs of day care in the Mid-Atlantic area. True, I had chosen the top-of-the-line products in every category. I guess a $600 snow-white chenille glider with matching "nursing stool" (baby speak for ottoman) isn't totally necessary. Or practical for that matter...And look at that sweet little outfit in the picture - absolutely pristine - until Baby has explosive diarrhea all over it.

So, step two was a little easier to overcome. I went onto Babies R' Us.com and erased my wish list. And I feel as if my soul has been purged. I will not become a victim of baby-thing buying mania. I will not re-enter the domain of baby-thing buying until I am at least 12 weeks along with my little bean. And the only thing I will enter Babies R' Us for is to buy things for Pippie (what I have nicknamed my future niece or nephew - my sister is 8 weeks along).

Tackling Step One - Will Now Pee Only in Toilet

So, step one involves getting rid of anything that I can pee in or on. And that should be easy....right? Well, for a dedicated POAS Addict (again, another wannababyese word, standing for Pee On A Stick), not so easy. I mean, it's almost like yanking the needle out of a heroin addict's arm...OK, I can exaggerate a little, right? But seriously, TTC women are trained to pee on sticks. And there are so many sticks available to tinkle on. My personal addiction is twofold - Answer Ovulation Predictor Sticks (OPK's) and First Response Early Response home pregnancy tests (HPT's). Luckily, I have not yet progressed to the ClearBlueEasy Fertility Monitor...it hurts me to think about shelling out $270 for the monitor and $50/month for the sticks. So I guess I do have my limits...I have only about a $5/day habit. But still, I guess that qualifies me for rehab.

So, follow my lead. Head to bathroom...open cabinet...grab every box of pee sticks...kiss them good-bye. Are you doing ok?? Okay, now for the hard part. Put them into the trash can....empty trash can into thick, heavy duty trash bag....now throw into big garbage can where all of last week's rotting food is found. And if you even THINK about digging them out of there, just imagine the raging urinary tract infection that could ensue.

Now, I will list all benefits from completing step one.

1. Depending on the cost of your habit, you will be saving money. For me? I am saving about $50.00 per month (man, that sounds hefty now that I am confessing it...what a weight lifted off my shoulders).

2. You will no longer have pee all over your hands.

3. You will be shaving 10 minutes off of your morning (or lunchtime or afternoon or evening or midnight...) routine.

4. Your husband will no longer walk into the bathroom and say "What the hell is this???" (the first time) or "Not AGAIN!!!" (subsequent encounters).

5. You can't see a big fat negative if you don't pee to begin with.

6. You can avoid those awkward "what the Hell was she doing in there???" stares when you come out of the bathroom at work after your lunchtime OPK check.

So, I know that not all "overconceivers" will be able to avoid POAS. For all you ladies undergoing treatments, I know that the OPK is often required for your treatment. So, please, follow doctor's orders, and you may skip some of step one. But please, all of us, let's stop feeding the beast. Get rid of those HPT's. Test ONLY when you are at least 12dpo, or better, when you are late for your period. And READ THE BACK OF THE BOX. Only 60% of women get a BFP at 10dpo, 83% at 11dpo, 86% at 12dpo, and 93% on the day of the missed period. You could be that 7%!

**A final note about testing. If you saw my slideshow, you saw the photo of my lovely false +. Yeah, those don't happen, right??? Bullshit. Do not buy Target brand tests - or any test that has blue dye instead of pink. I got THREE false positives. Talk about cruel!

"Confessions of a Baby-aholic"

So, in yet another lovely way that TTC has stolen my sanity, I have been noticing EVERYTHING baby lately. How is it that, just four months ago, the smell of baby powder in the Target aisle didn't even register on my radar? Today, that sweet aroma sent me into a tailspin, complete with tears. Yep, I notice it all. The lady with the stroller carrying an adorable, drooling baby. The maternity section at Old Navy (never even knew they had a maternity section). That stupid fucking "the most important thing you will ever pee on" commercial. Yep, future mama-to-be said the "F Word"...
So, all you "overconceivers" like myself, read closely. I am confessing my sins. Yep, I am on the 12-step Baby-Aholic Program. Please join me in this journey, as I follow through the 12 steps to hopefully come out on the other side, free from the addiction, and hopefully with a bundle of joy in my arms. Read the 12 steps closely - they may very well save your sanity. Each day I will attempt to overcome one step at a time, until I find myself FREE FROM THE TTC CRAZIES!

Step One: Throw out anything that you can pee on or in. This includes ovulation predictor sticks, fertility monitor sticks, digital tests, pink dye tests, blue dye tests, plastic cups, coffee mugs, bedpans...whatever.
Step Two: Erase all wish lists on Babies R' Us.com (yeah, try to act like you don't have one)! By the time my future baby is born, all those prints and fabrics will be discontinued anyway.
Step Three: Purge bookshelves of useless, scary, contradictory TTC manuals. Am I supposed to have sex everyday, every three days, five times per day...I don't know because every book says something different! Should we do it doggie-style (or the "from behind" position as these books so politely call it), against the wall, in the bathtub, scissors position (seriously, what is that?)...
Step Four: Turn off TLC channel from 1pm-5pm every day. No more "Baby Story", "Adoption Story", "Bringing Home Baby", "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant", or "Completely Fucked Up Family that Needs to Go Away Before They Mentally Destroy Their Children" (aka Jon & Kate Plus 8).
Step Five: Stop looking at belly to determine what it will look like when it's pregnant. Do not stuff pillows, blankets, other shirts, socks, or beach balls into shirt to see pregnant belly.
Step Six: Do not buy anymore items, just so you have them when baby does come. That cute little baby whale onsie...put it down! The "cutest, sweetest little maternity top ever that will never be there when I finally do get pregnant, so I will just go ahead and buy it now..." - DON'T. It will sit in your closet and depress you everyday. Which leads to step seven...
Step Seven: Give away all previously bought maternity and baby items that are accumulating in your closet. Because God knows, as soon as you decided to TTC, seven of your friends, three of your sisters, two of your aunts, your boss, and your damn dog will get pregnant and expect shower gifts.
Step Eight: Refrain from the "24 Times Daily Period Checks". On cycle day 28, do not enter the bathroom every hour to "just check" to make sure Aunt Flo hasn't shown.
Step Nine: Have relations with husband at least 3 times per month during your infertile time. OMG, did I just say that???
Step Ten: Stop describing cervical mucus and position to your husband, mother, sister, coworker.... Yeah, seriously...nobody wants to hear it. Especially your husband. He actually has to put his favorite body organ in that thing...Come on now. And PLEASE do not post cervical mucus on discussion boards for others to see. You never know who might just "drop by" on the site one day...
Step Eleven: STOP analyzing every twinge, cramp, leak, fart, projectile vomit, and nipple bump as a pregnancy sign. Yes, there are some signs of early pregnancy. But almost every single one is also a sign of PMS. Please thank our lovely TTC books, as mentioned above, and the lovely website "countdowntopregnancy.com" for this overanalysis.
Step Twelve: Get knocked up with bouncing baby boy or girl. If none of the above steps work, at least this one will relieve you of the TTC insanity. And will send you to the new diagnosis of "OMG, I Just Know I Am Going to Have a Miscarriage"-type schizophrenia.